I survived the choir competition! I didn't get home until 9:00 p.m. though---these days are so long! I don't have to go again for 3 Saturdays, so I'm pretty stoked about that!

My husband told me today I was going to take another day off of school this week and him and I are going out of town to eat at Olive Garden or TGIFriday's (our 2 favorites--we don't have any large chain restaurants in our small town). We really need some quality time together. Life is just too stressful right now and it's taking its toll on me. In a way I hate to miss school again, but my friend Kara keeps reminding me "that's why you have personal/sick days!" I keep thinking I need to save my days so someday when I have a baby I will have lots of time built up. I took 18 days off last year with the IVF and also the cruise we went on (and a bad case of strep). Oh well, I think my sanity right now is more important than being at school! If my subs only knew how to play the piano or even turn the cd player on! :)

As much as I talk on here about how much I struggle with my issue of becoming a mommy, I have never discussed the blessings we do have in our life. We have 10 nieces and nephews between both sides and they are all so important and such a sparkle in our life! They range in age from 10 years to 7 months...we actually have three that are under the age of 1! I am so thankful for these kiddos.....they love us so much and we love them more than I could ever express! I am honored to be their aunt and to be a part of their lives! Here is Sophie and I at her 3rd birthday party last month. She is such a sweetie and makes my husband and I roll with laughter. She stood with me today during worship at church and I couldn't stop gazing at her and thanking the Lord for her. She calls my husband "Muncle Baby" and it is precious. I call him Baby, so she got that from me, but then added the 'uncle', but it comes out 'muncle'. My husband beams when she calls him that in public! Anyways, I know at this time in our life, I need to be settled in the season we are in and be thankful for what we do have and know there is more to come. Sophie's Mommy encourages me a lot with "He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion!"

My blog is boring. Sorry. I really don't have anything new to talk about. We've had some setbacks in our life this week, but it doesn't have anything to do with infertility this time (thank the Lord!). But I will continue to trust our God, who loves us and gave His life for us and as Krysta encouraged me with (thank you Krysta!!!), "This is all in HIS plan".

So glad tomorrow is Friday. I am taking 14 senior high students to a choir competition on Saturday. We leave at 5:00 a.m. (so not cool). I told them there was to be no talking or singing on the bus until the sun comes up! :)

I've been tagged!

Krysta and Lianna both tagged me about "7 weird things about me" (I tried to put the tag picture on here, but it wouldn't work). Kara tagged me with this a long time ago and I didn't participate, stating, "I am completely normal and have nothing weird about me". Since this is my blog where I am completely honest, I figured I better fess up! So here goes:

1. I cannot stand the bed not being made. I got that from my mom. It feels like the whole house is in shambles if my bed is not made. I will make it at 8:00 at night only to get in it two hours later.

2. I am a compulsive list-maker and organizer. I even write down what I wear to school every day so I don't wear the same thing within a two-week span. My husband makes fun of me greatly for this. I teach high school kids and they look at my clothes, so I have to write it down!

3. I am constantly crunching money/finances in my head and on paper. I am constantly saving for something. Last year it was our Caribbean cruise and then IVF. Now it is another cruise or IVF again. I will work my butt off doing extra odd jobs besides my teaching job to make extra cash.

4. I struggle with jealously and approval so much. I want everyone to like me and want to make sure all my friends/family are happy with me at all times and that they approve of me and want to hang with me.

5. We do not have TV stations at our home. We do watch a ton of movies and have a great DVD collection, plus we have a Nintendo Wii and an XBox 360, which my husband and I love playing. I hate the way TV is now---it is so filthy and nothing like it used to be. It does not interest me at all---except for American Idol and college football/basketball/cheerleading.

6. I do not know how to cook any meat other than hamburger meat and chicken. Which is fine, because we rarely eat at home anyway.

7. I put parmesan cheese and Hidden Valley Ranch dry mix on my popcorn. It is yummy! My husband thinks it is completely disgusting!

That's it! I don't know if some of those are totally weird---maybe just my personality traits. Anyways, I am sure I will be spending the rest of my evening trying to think of all the other weird things about me I didn't list.



Our band played at the countywide youth "See You At The Pole Rally" this past Wednesday night. There were tons of kids there and they truly worshipped God and it was awesome! A very uncomfortable thing happened to me though. I walked past a table of youth/college kids (some from our church and some not). One of the college guys stopped me and said in front of the whole table, "Hey Susan. How far along are you?" UUUMMMMM---excuse me? I said, "What?" He asked again. I said, "I'm not". He said, "Really? We thought you were." I said, "Yeah, I haven't been since May." Then I turned and made a beeline for one of my best friends to cuss and tell her about the encounter. I do not have a gut and was wearing Silver jeans and an American Eagle fitted shirt that definitely showed I am not having a baby. I am glad I didn't tell my husband til later. Such an uncomfortable thing that just again reminded me that I AM NOT PREGNANT! Oh well. Someday.

I am thankful for this blog. I don't know how many people read it, but I just want to state that I have made a couple of close friendships already through this. I talked to Lianna on the phone the other night and Krysta and I are e-mail and text buddies and are planning on getting together and it has really helped me. You ladies are such an encouragment and I thank the Lord for you!

I am so glad the week is almost over! I hate that I wish away the weekdays to get to Friday and the weekend! I just feel worn out!

I saw one of my good buddies from high school/college/now the other day in Wal-Mart. She told me she was having a baby and started balling. I know people have such a hard time talking about this with me and I hate that. I love all my friends and their kids! Usually when someone tells me they are pregnant, I tense up and my stomach starts churning and as soon as I'm by myself I cry, cry, cry. I cry for a few days, then I'm over it and am excited for them. I can't explain it, but when she told me, I didn't get upset, stomach didn't ache, didn't cry, nothing. I actually didn't feel anything. It was weird. I don't know why---maybe I'm getting used to it??? Anyways, it was nice to not freak. I didn't address her crying either---I just let her cry. I appreciate her compassion and sensitivity to me though.

A friend (who does not have children yet) sent me a text message earlier this week when I was feeling down and it really encouraged me.

Psalm 27:13
I would have lost heart unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait on the Lord. Be of good courage and He shall strengthen your heart.

I don't know how much longer my husband and I will have to battle infertility, but in the mean time, I pray I would have courage and He would strengthen me daily and make me more like Him and help me to trust Him more and more. I pray the same for you!

Thanks everyone for your comments. Although it doesn't make me feel better that there are others of you out there struggling with infertility, it does help me to see that God is not 'singleing' me out. I find myself so many days asking, "What did I do wrong? What can I do different for you to see me worthy to have a child? How much longer is this going to go on?" I don't know that I'll ever know the answers.

I found out this weekend that my in-laws are moving to Denver because of work. I have been so emotional about this. My whole family live in California and I am extremely close to my mother-in-law here--we live 2 miles away. She has been one of my best friends for years. (I was one of the only girls she ever liked that my husband dated--of course, that instantly made us friends!) My main selfish thought when she told us they were moving was, "You have to be here when we finally have a baby". But, I'm not pregnant and I know they can't plan their life around us. She has held me and prayed with me and loved me so many times after bad doctor's appts., hurtful words from people, when family members/friends have announced a pregnancy, etc. She is such a woman of God and I look up to her so much and feel like I NEED her right now at this time in my life. I know once again, that God will get me through this time, but I do wonder how strong He thinks I am!

I don't want this blog to be full of depressing talk--I've probably scared or depressed half of you away already. I HOPE that one day it will be filled with the greatest blessing I could ever receive.

I will leave you with some of the lyrics to one of my favorite worship songs, "I Have to Believe" by Rita Springer:

I have to believe that He sees my darkness.

I have to believe that He knows my pain.

I have to lift up my hands to worship. Worship His name.

I have to declare that He is my refuge.

I have to deny that I am alone.

I have to lift up my eyes to the mountains.

It's where my help comes from.

He said that He's forever faithful.

He said that He's forever true.

He said that He can move mountains.

He can move my mountain.

He can move your mountain too.

Thanks for reading,

Susan

New blogger

I am new to blogspot. I have a xanga blog, but with the encouragement of Krysta, decided to get a blog where I can talk about my deepest thoughts about the hardest issue I've ever struggled with--infertility.

My husband and I have been married almost 10 years. We have been off BCP for 9 years and have been dealing with doctors, opinions, ups and downs, ignorant people and their ideas, hope and despair, insurance companies, etc. for the past 4 years. We have been through 5 doctors, lots of tests, surgeries, and one round of IVF.

This past March/April, we did our first round of IVF with a doctor in Dallas (5 hours from our home). It was a tough experience, but one full of hope and excitement and oh so much faith. After hearing bad reports about our embryo quality, we had two embryos to transfer out of 19 eggs retrieved. No more survived. Nine days later a HCG test at our local hospital confirmed we were pregnant! My husband found out first and and told me as I was frantically scrubbing the toilet and waiting! We were in shock and so very happy! Two days later my HCG numbers had doubled. Two weeks later (after telling way too many people and the word getting around that we were finally pregnant after all these years), we went in for our first ultrasound at 6 weeks to find there was nothing there. We went to Dallas the next day to have our doctor confirm there was no baby. It was a chemical pregnancy.

I have not really known how to deal with all this. Sometimes I wish God would take away our desire to be parents. I have quoted scripture, prayed, had others pray for me, read books, spoke out positive, etc. I am just tired of it and don't want it to continue to take over my life, but it does and will continue because my desire to be a mommy is so great. I have no friends that have ever experienced infertility---my friends/family are SO very supportive and loving, but they still don't really understand the pain I feel and the inferiority at not being able to achieve what all women want--to create and nurture life. I feel so different from everybody else so much of the time. I am so thankful for all my nieces/nephews (we have 10) and all my friends kids, but I still desire my own and my heart just hurts.

My school insurance did not pay for our 1st round of IVF, so we paid (and are still paying through a bank loan) out of pocket. We want to do IVF again and I just got accepted onto my husband's insurance, which covers one round of IVF, but it does not come into affect for 1 year. Now we are faced with 1. do IVF again now and take out another loan to pay for it or 2. wait another long year

Thanks so much for listening. I pray all my posts won't be this depressing. I want to be filled with hope, but it is just not there most days. I have so much to be thankful for and I am. We are a blessed people. I don't take that lightly. But, I do pray for myself as I pray for you that God would give us the desires of our heart and turn our sorrow into joy.