Thanks everyone for your comments. Although it doesn't make me feel better that there are others of you out there struggling with infertility, it does help me to see that God is not 'singleing' me out. I find myself so many days asking, "What did I do wrong? What can I do different for you to see me worthy to have a child? How much longer is this going to go on?" I don't know that I'll ever know the answers.

I found out this weekend that my in-laws are moving to Denver because of work. I have been so emotional about this. My whole family live in California and I am extremely close to my mother-in-law here--we live 2 miles away. She has been one of my best friends for years. (I was one of the only girls she ever liked that my husband dated--of course, that instantly made us friends!) My main selfish thought when she told us they were moving was, "You have to be here when we finally have a baby". But, I'm not pregnant and I know they can't plan their life around us. She has held me and prayed with me and loved me so many times after bad doctor's appts., hurtful words from people, when family members/friends have announced a pregnancy, etc. She is such a woman of God and I look up to her so much and feel like I NEED her right now at this time in my life. I know once again, that God will get me through this time, but I do wonder how strong He thinks I am!

I don't want this blog to be full of depressing talk--I've probably scared or depressed half of you away already. I HOPE that one day it will be filled with the greatest blessing I could ever receive.

I will leave you with some of the lyrics to one of my favorite worship songs, "I Have to Believe" by Rita Springer:

I have to believe that He sees my darkness.

I have to believe that He knows my pain.

I have to lift up my hands to worship. Worship His name.

I have to declare that He is my refuge.

I have to deny that I am alone.

I have to lift up my eyes to the mountains.

It's where my help comes from.

He said that He's forever faithful.

He said that He's forever true.

He said that He can move mountains.

He can move my mountain.

He can move your mountain too.

Thanks for reading,

Susan

New blogger

I am new to blogspot. I have a xanga blog, but with the encouragement of Krysta, decided to get a blog where I can talk about my deepest thoughts about the hardest issue I've ever struggled with--infertility.

My husband and I have been married almost 10 years. We have been off BCP for 9 years and have been dealing with doctors, opinions, ups and downs, ignorant people and their ideas, hope and despair, insurance companies, etc. for the past 4 years. We have been through 5 doctors, lots of tests, surgeries, and one round of IVF.

This past March/April, we did our first round of IVF with a doctor in Dallas (5 hours from our home). It was a tough experience, but one full of hope and excitement and oh so much faith. After hearing bad reports about our embryo quality, we had two embryos to transfer out of 19 eggs retrieved. No more survived. Nine days later a HCG test at our local hospital confirmed we were pregnant! My husband found out first and and told me as I was frantically scrubbing the toilet and waiting! We were in shock and so very happy! Two days later my HCG numbers had doubled. Two weeks later (after telling way too many people and the word getting around that we were finally pregnant after all these years), we went in for our first ultrasound at 6 weeks to find there was nothing there. We went to Dallas the next day to have our doctor confirm there was no baby. It was a chemical pregnancy.

I have not really known how to deal with all this. Sometimes I wish God would take away our desire to be parents. I have quoted scripture, prayed, had others pray for me, read books, spoke out positive, etc. I am just tired of it and don't want it to continue to take over my life, but it does and will continue because my desire to be a mommy is so great. I have no friends that have ever experienced infertility---my friends/family are SO very supportive and loving, but they still don't really understand the pain I feel and the inferiority at not being able to achieve what all women want--to create and nurture life. I feel so different from everybody else so much of the time. I am so thankful for all my nieces/nephews (we have 10) and all my friends kids, but I still desire my own and my heart just hurts.

My school insurance did not pay for our 1st round of IVF, so we paid (and are still paying through a bank loan) out of pocket. We want to do IVF again and I just got accepted onto my husband's insurance, which covers one round of IVF, but it does not come into affect for 1 year. Now we are faced with 1. do IVF again now and take out another loan to pay for it or 2. wait another long year

Thanks so much for listening. I pray all my posts won't be this depressing. I want to be filled with hope, but it is just not there most days. I have so much to be thankful for and I am. We are a blessed people. I don't take that lightly. But, I do pray for myself as I pray for you that God would give us the desires of our heart and turn our sorrow into joy.