New blogger

I am new to blogspot. I have a xanga blog, but with the encouragement of Krysta, decided to get a blog where I can talk about my deepest thoughts about the hardest issue I've ever struggled with--infertility.

My husband and I have been married almost 10 years. We have been off BCP for 9 years and have been dealing with doctors, opinions, ups and downs, ignorant people and their ideas, hope and despair, insurance companies, etc. for the past 4 years. We have been through 5 doctors, lots of tests, surgeries, and one round of IVF.

This past March/April, we did our first round of IVF with a doctor in Dallas (5 hours from our home). It was a tough experience, but one full of hope and excitement and oh so much faith. After hearing bad reports about our embryo quality, we had two embryos to transfer out of 19 eggs retrieved. No more survived. Nine days later a HCG test at our local hospital confirmed we were pregnant! My husband found out first and and told me as I was frantically scrubbing the toilet and waiting! We were in shock and so very happy! Two days later my HCG numbers had doubled. Two weeks later (after telling way too many people and the word getting around that we were finally pregnant after all these years), we went in for our first ultrasound at 6 weeks to find there was nothing there. We went to Dallas the next day to have our doctor confirm there was no baby. It was a chemical pregnancy.

I have not really known how to deal with all this. Sometimes I wish God would take away our desire to be parents. I have quoted scripture, prayed, had others pray for me, read books, spoke out positive, etc. I am just tired of it and don't want it to continue to take over my life, but it does and will continue because my desire to be a mommy is so great. I have no friends that have ever experienced infertility---my friends/family are SO very supportive and loving, but they still don't really understand the pain I feel and the inferiority at not being able to achieve what all women want--to create and nurture life. I feel so different from everybody else so much of the time. I am so thankful for all my nieces/nephews (we have 10) and all my friends kids, but I still desire my own and my heart just hurts.

My school insurance did not pay for our 1st round of IVF, so we paid (and are still paying through a bank loan) out of pocket. We want to do IVF again and I just got accepted onto my husband's insurance, which covers one round of IVF, but it does not come into affect for 1 year. Now we are faced with 1. do IVF again now and take out another loan to pay for it or 2. wait another long year

Thanks so much for listening. I pray all my posts won't be this depressing. I want to be filled with hope, but it is just not there most days. I have so much to be thankful for and I am. We are a blessed people. I don't take that lightly. But, I do pray for myself as I pray for you that God would give us the desires of our heart and turn our sorrow into joy.