It's been awhile!

Hey everyone! No, I have not fallen off the planet. I'm still here and kicking! Thanks to those of you for checking up on me. I have just not wanted to blog and when I've actually had the time, I just don't have the desire to write, and when I have the desire, I don't have the time!

November and December were hard months for me. A lot happened and I struggled greatly with depression. My husband was temporarily laid off the end of September---he is a children's case manager and Medicaid in Arkansas was going through a lot of changes and his company was switching hands. He finally went back to work in January for the mental health company he used to work for for 5 years. My husband has never been without work and this was such a hard season for both of us. The Lord provided financially and it was not a burden. I can look back now and be thankful--I didn't feel thankful at the time!

I almost lost my dad around this same time also. He had triple bypass surgery that failed (he was allergic to the medicine they used in his bypasses) and then had blood crushing his heart and had another emergency open heart surgery. My family lives in California and this was such a hard time with me being here. My siblings told me I should come and they felt that my dad seeing his baby girl would help. The school where I work, plus other loving people took up a donation and paid for me and my husband to go to California to see my dad. It was such a blessing and he began doing better while I was there. We went the week before Christmas. He got to come home on New Year's after being in the hospital for 6 weeks. He has really had to change some things, but is doing much better.

I think these two things, combined with still not being over our IVF-chemical pregnancy in May just really hit me hard and I just didn't feel like whining on here. (even though I KNOW you would listen--or read real fast!)

Things are better now and somewhat back to normal. My husband and I celebrated our 10 year anniversary in January and we spent a weekend away at Mount Magazine (beautiful and very romantic).

School is going well--I'm ready for summer and warm weather! I have been struggling with my sinuses/allergies. Something is bloomin' this week and is driving my poor nose crazy!

I got to meet a fellow blogger---that was an exciting thing! Sarah and I met in Russellville 2 Fridays ago! Check out her blog for our pic! (sorry, I don't know how to link it)

This week so far has been a week of remembering---last year at this time, we were on a Caribbean cruise with 2 other couples and we were having the time of our life! Every couple hours I will stop what I'm doing and remember what my husband and I were doing at this time last year on the cruise. Such awesome memories. I'm ready to go again! I highly recommend going on a cruise with friends!

Nothing new for us in the area of children. I wish I could type and say we are finally having a baby, but nope. Some days I really get angry and struggle with all this still, and other days I just try to block it out of my mind. My husband reminded me again last night (as my emotions got the best of me) that we are a family and are happy--a baby does not make our life perfect. That is so hard to grasp, but I am trying. We are planning on another round of IVF this summer, provided the insurance will pay for it this time. We just don't want to pay for it again without any help.

Just one more day of school for me this week. Thursday and Friday I am going to the state band/choir convention in Hot Springs! I am so looking forward to relaxing and visiting with friends for 2 days! Saturday my hubby and I are going to visit my college buddy and her husband in Fayetteville! We are getting pedicures, shopping, eating, and hoping to catch some good bands on Dixon Street!

Thanks for not giving up on me and my blog. I still read yours---i know I wasn't posting or commenting, but I was and am still reading! Hopefully I won't wait another 3 months to post again! Blessings to all of you!

More Birthday Fun!

Monday was a great day! Jennifer, Mika, Eden, and I went to Fort Smith and ate at Red Lobster and shopped at the mall and of course went to Starbuck's. It was a good girl's day out. Here are some pics:

Yesterday was my actual birthday.....a good day, but kind of depressing. I am just not ready to be 30. I can't do anything to stop it, but am just not ready to enter a new decade! I guess it is hard because I imagined myself a mommy by the age of 30, but obviously that is not the case. "For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord, plans to give you a future and a hope".

Jennifer Mc. and her family came down and took me to lunch and that was the highlight of my day yesterday!

I got a very cool surprise today at school....right before my senior high choir class, my 3 senior girls met me outside my door and started singing Happy Birthday to me (they weren't at school yesterday). Then they handed me a card with a gift certificate for a 1 hour massage. WOW! I have never had a massage before. I was so excited. They said, "We just want you to know we love you". I cried. So sweet. I've had these girls in choir since 7th grade--I love my seniors every year---they are so special! I have got balloons and frappucinos from my choir for my birthday before, but never a massage! Whoo hoo!

I am eating dinner tomorrow night with two of my good buddies from high school--they are taking me out for my birthday! That should complete my birthday week! I guess if we party all week for every birthday like we have for this one, maybe the 30's won't be so bad! :)

Birthday Weekend!

Tuesday is my 30th birthday. I can't believe I am almost 30! I don't want to turn 30--my husband says it's just another number (he is 33). I always dreamed I would have a child or two by the age of 30....obviously God had another plan in mind.


Last night my mother-in-law planned a birthday dinner out of town at a new italian restaurant in the town my husband and I went to college in--Arkadelphia. My mom-in-law and father-in-law and my hubby and I and my husband's brother and his daughter Sophie (see previous post) made the hour and a half drive together. My brother-in-laws wife and youngest daughter was in Branson Christmas shopping and we missed them. We met my bestest friend from college, Kelly, and her daughter at the restaurant. She teaches kindergarten and 1st grade music in Arkadoo. It was a great evening visiting and mainly trying to keep the two little ones happy! Here are some pics:

Kelly and I:

Kelly and her daughter Michaelina


My awesome mother and father-in-law

(above) My brother-in-law telling a funny story to my husband (this is normal)

Sophie and I

I have no pics from last night of my husband and I on my camera--they are on his Mom's, so I will post them later!

Today my hubby and I went out of town after church to eat for my birthday at my favorite restaurant--Olive Garden! It was so yummy--I had chicken parmigiana and bellini tea and then we split the torte di chocolate for dessert. I think I could eat at Olive Garden everyday! We hit the mall next and I got some Victoria's Secret Pink lotion and some black New Balance shoes. My mother-in-law got me an American Eagle gift card (my fav store) and I already spent the gift card and then my husband bought me clothes too there. I got a great purse from my brother-in-law and sis-in-law and my friend Kelly got me another Vera Bradley bag (I love those too!).

Tomorrow I am heading out of town one more time (I live in the middle of nowhere and we are out of school for 'Deer Day') with my two closest friends here. We are shopping and eating out for my birthday---we always have a super time together when we can get away! I am so thankful for all my friends and family who I can share this special (but somewhat dreaded) day with. My husband asked me today how it felt to be 30 and I told him I didn't know yet because I have 2 more days of being 29!

By the way, fellow bloggers, I love reading your blogs and feel so close to so many of you---I do only get on blogger about once a week so if I don't comment you regularly, it's not because I'm not reading---I just might not have the time right then, but know that I am enjoying reading and trying to stay caught up!

And a special thanks to Kelly's Korner for starting the prayer blog---what an encouragement! I admire her so much for having such a heart for those of us still struggling and can truly see the Love of Christ and His love for people displayed in her life. Thanks Kelly!

Blessings to all of you!

I survived the choir competition! I didn't get home until 9:00 p.m. though---these days are so long! I don't have to go again for 3 Saturdays, so I'm pretty stoked about that!

My husband told me today I was going to take another day off of school this week and him and I are going out of town to eat at Olive Garden or TGIFriday's (our 2 favorites--we don't have any large chain restaurants in our small town). We really need some quality time together. Life is just too stressful right now and it's taking its toll on me. In a way I hate to miss school again, but my friend Kara keeps reminding me "that's why you have personal/sick days!" I keep thinking I need to save my days so someday when I have a baby I will have lots of time built up. I took 18 days off last year with the IVF and also the cruise we went on (and a bad case of strep). Oh well, I think my sanity right now is more important than being at school! If my subs only knew how to play the piano or even turn the cd player on! :)

As much as I talk on here about how much I struggle with my issue of becoming a mommy, I have never discussed the blessings we do have in our life. We have 10 nieces and nephews between both sides and they are all so important and such a sparkle in our life! They range in age from 10 years to 7 months...we actually have three that are under the age of 1! I am so thankful for these kiddos.....they love us so much and we love them more than I could ever express! I am honored to be their aunt and to be a part of their lives! Here is Sophie and I at her 3rd birthday party last month. She is such a sweetie and makes my husband and I roll with laughter. She stood with me today during worship at church and I couldn't stop gazing at her and thanking the Lord for her. She calls my husband "Muncle Baby" and it is precious. I call him Baby, so she got that from me, but then added the 'uncle', but it comes out 'muncle'. My husband beams when she calls him that in public! Anyways, I know at this time in our life, I need to be settled in the season we are in and be thankful for what we do have and know there is more to come. Sophie's Mommy encourages me a lot with "He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion!"

My blog is boring. Sorry. I really don't have anything new to talk about. We've had some setbacks in our life this week, but it doesn't have anything to do with infertility this time (thank the Lord!). But I will continue to trust our God, who loves us and gave His life for us and as Krysta encouraged me with (thank you Krysta!!!), "This is all in HIS plan".

So glad tomorrow is Friday. I am taking 14 senior high students to a choir competition on Saturday. We leave at 5:00 a.m. (so not cool). I told them there was to be no talking or singing on the bus until the sun comes up! :)

I've been tagged!

Krysta and Lianna both tagged me about "7 weird things about me" (I tried to put the tag picture on here, but it wouldn't work). Kara tagged me with this a long time ago and I didn't participate, stating, "I am completely normal and have nothing weird about me". Since this is my blog where I am completely honest, I figured I better fess up! So here goes:

1. I cannot stand the bed not being made. I got that from my mom. It feels like the whole house is in shambles if my bed is not made. I will make it at 8:00 at night only to get in it two hours later.

2. I am a compulsive list-maker and organizer. I even write down what I wear to school every day so I don't wear the same thing within a two-week span. My husband makes fun of me greatly for this. I teach high school kids and they look at my clothes, so I have to write it down!

3. I am constantly crunching money/finances in my head and on paper. I am constantly saving for something. Last year it was our Caribbean cruise and then IVF. Now it is another cruise or IVF again. I will work my butt off doing extra odd jobs besides my teaching job to make extra cash.

4. I struggle with jealously and approval so much. I want everyone to like me and want to make sure all my friends/family are happy with me at all times and that they approve of me and want to hang with me.

5. We do not have TV stations at our home. We do watch a ton of movies and have a great DVD collection, plus we have a Nintendo Wii and an XBox 360, which my husband and I love playing. I hate the way TV is now---it is so filthy and nothing like it used to be. It does not interest me at all---except for American Idol and college football/basketball/cheerleading.

6. I do not know how to cook any meat other than hamburger meat and chicken. Which is fine, because we rarely eat at home anyway.

7. I put parmesan cheese and Hidden Valley Ranch dry mix on my popcorn. It is yummy! My husband thinks it is completely disgusting!

That's it! I don't know if some of those are totally weird---maybe just my personality traits. Anyways, I am sure I will be spending the rest of my evening trying to think of all the other weird things about me I didn't list.



Our band played at the countywide youth "See You At The Pole Rally" this past Wednesday night. There were tons of kids there and they truly worshipped God and it was awesome! A very uncomfortable thing happened to me though. I walked past a table of youth/college kids (some from our church and some not). One of the college guys stopped me and said in front of the whole table, "Hey Susan. How far along are you?" UUUMMMMM---excuse me? I said, "What?" He asked again. I said, "I'm not". He said, "Really? We thought you were." I said, "Yeah, I haven't been since May." Then I turned and made a beeline for one of my best friends to cuss and tell her about the encounter. I do not have a gut and was wearing Silver jeans and an American Eagle fitted shirt that definitely showed I am not having a baby. I am glad I didn't tell my husband til later. Such an uncomfortable thing that just again reminded me that I AM NOT PREGNANT! Oh well. Someday.

I am thankful for this blog. I don't know how many people read it, but I just want to state that I have made a couple of close friendships already through this. I talked to Lianna on the phone the other night and Krysta and I are e-mail and text buddies and are planning on getting together and it has really helped me. You ladies are such an encouragment and I thank the Lord for you!

I am so glad the week is almost over! I hate that I wish away the weekdays to get to Friday and the weekend! I just feel worn out!

I saw one of my good buddies from high school/college/now the other day in Wal-Mart. She told me she was having a baby and started balling. I know people have such a hard time talking about this with me and I hate that. I love all my friends and their kids! Usually when someone tells me they are pregnant, I tense up and my stomach starts churning and as soon as I'm by myself I cry, cry, cry. I cry for a few days, then I'm over it and am excited for them. I can't explain it, but when she told me, I didn't get upset, stomach didn't ache, didn't cry, nothing. I actually didn't feel anything. It was weird. I don't know why---maybe I'm getting used to it??? Anyways, it was nice to not freak. I didn't address her crying either---I just let her cry. I appreciate her compassion and sensitivity to me though.

A friend (who does not have children yet) sent me a text message earlier this week when I was feeling down and it really encouraged me.

Psalm 27:13
I would have lost heart unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait on the Lord. Be of good courage and He shall strengthen your heart.

I don't know how much longer my husband and I will have to battle infertility, but in the mean time, I pray I would have courage and He would strengthen me daily and make me more like Him and help me to trust Him more and more. I pray the same for you!